Sunday, February 7, 2010

wedding waking and sleeping


Over the weekend, I had my first wedding dream. It was actually really pleasant -- the ceremony was in some sort of lush outdoor amphitheater, large pink lanterns were hanging everywhere by gleaming gold chains (real gold! In this economy!). The flowers were blooming and I was even a two-dress bride! I woke up thinking that went surprisingly well, since of course I've been silently dreading the wedding mishaps that are surely awaiting me. And then I remembered: I don't have two dresses. That was not at all real. Blast.

I've had plenty of waking nightmares about the wedding. I think that some of my vendors will hate my wedding. That half the things I make will be forgotten in DC or misplaced by the staff. That we just won't finish...planning.

Part of my anxiety stems from the way I approach important events/deadlines/anything: with procrastination. I know I put things off as much as possible. So far I've put off buying our wedding bands, helping my fiance with the rest of his wedding day outfit, researching activities for our honeymoon, setting the reception menu, getting sheet music for the ceremony, buying various decorations, finishing DIY projects, and generally making progress on the wedding.

I'm definitely starting to see the appeal of wedding planners. I'm getting more and more anxious as each week passes and I feel like I've accomplished less and less. I know that we can get married in June without all of the above mentioned things, but that's not the point, now is it? We want the frivolity, the pointless tactile extras that make us feel more connected to the day, because really, we know the day doesn't last and what's left are some pictures and unused swizzle sticks. And maybe half a candy buffet, if you're lucky. You get rings and you get married. And then you're the same as everyone else.

So I'm anxious and procrastinating but having lovely dreams about my fake wedding. I don't know what it all means. I want the day to come and I want it to be as far away as possible.

I have a pack of tissue paper on my desk, waiting to be turned into poms that will perch atop swizzle sticks. I've already noted the absurdity of that. But I will make them, if only to have a few left over to remind me of the wedding. Or maybe I want to be reminded of wedding planning. I don't really know.

Do you have mixed feelings sometimes about this grand process called wedding planning?

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